friend shaped

i had a friend when i was little. we were going to be the best of friends and fall in love and have so many babies. i dont know when we stopping getting together for play dates, or why. but one day i heard he had joined the military, had a daughter, and anger issues. i don’t know what he’s doing, or has done. we are not friends.

i had a friend when i was little, we stayed friends all through high school. i sat in traffic so many afternoons driving to see her. she taught me what the lyrics to the songs on mtv meant. we got into the sort of trouble that you get into when one girl is promiscuous and confident and one is self-conscious and shy. i usually drove, i had the money for gas. i learned a lot, watching. she had a baby right out of high school. and i didn’t. we sometimes like each other’s social media posts.

i had a friend in high school. she was kind, and sweet, and in love with another friend of ours. he was talented, a musician, the life of the pg party, a gem of a human. he died before we all graduated. she didn’t get over it. 20 years later she still hasn’t. i see her posts on social media, her hair turning grey, her wine glass full, and i wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t died. i wonder if we would still be friends. we’re friends on facebook.

i had a friend when i lived in my first apartment. she was dating a guy that was bad news for her. the guy i was dating had been his friend for a long time. we broke up. they broke up. the guys stayed friends. she and i each found new people to date. then they broke up. and we broke up. now im in another relationship. and she runs marathons. we don’t hang out but maybe we will. i don’t run marathons.

i had a friend when i was in college. she brought me home to meet her parents. they were nice, and her mom made gnocchi by hand. she was dating a guy in the navy. he was deployed to south east asia. she used to get on webcam when her roommate was in class. she was catholic. i used to listen to the cure on non-stop repeat in my dorm room every day and night. i would chat with a guy who lived in england. she got married and had two kids. i didn’t have kids. we don’t talk any longer.

i had a friend when i was in college. a different college. she approached me in the hall after weeks of debating over my shoulder in a history class. we sat on the floor of an Ethiopian restaurant for 2 hours and drank white wine until the world felt aligned. we got along. our paramours did not. she asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding while we stood high up in a treehouse on the grounds of one of her parent’s vacation homes. my husband did not attend the wedding. i stayed with her when i got divorced a year later. we stayed friends. she stayed with me 12 years later when she got divorced. now we’re not friends. she lives down the road.

i had a friend when i worked nearby. i had two. they were both bad influences and heavy drinkers. we are not friends any longer. i do not drink.

i have a friend. he is going through his third breakup in the last 5 years. he is a nice guy. he had a daughter who lives in another state with her mother. he works two jobs and has no art on the walls of the studio he lives in. i keep telling him to be more of an asshole and stop getting stepped on and then dumped. maybe it’s not good advice. im usually the one who is doing the dumping.

i do not have friends for a long time.

i don’t even know if i have friends for a good time.

i am not george straight.

it is more like sara twisted and bent.

i don’t know if i am a good friend.

what does it even mean. what is the metric.

maybe i am not friend shaped.

maybe i cannot recognize a friend shape.

what is a friend? is it someone you have known a long time? it is someone you see all the time? is it someone you agree with? is it someone you trust to tell you truths? is it someone you want to make happy? is it someone who believes in you? is it someone you wish well? is it someone you enjoy spending time with? is it someone that makes your chest feel like it isn’t going to collapse? is it someone you choose? is it someone who chooses you?

i have a dog. she is my friend.

i do not know if i have any other friends.