Oops

I already missed a day - I thought a lot about writing, but I was doing other stuff. Sometimes non-important. Most of it valid.

One of the hardest things about structure, is that I do hate it. I love it, because of the way it makes me feel. Safe. The way it looks. Even and ordered. It's projected success, it's ability to fade into the background. It's consistency. But i hate it, because of what it stands for. Powerlessness of me. I am irregular. I am one among all. Petty and petulant. Self-centered and selfish. And irregular, I consider my own existence. Not much of this or that, though most aren't they are in an inside way and that is where I have the least substance so often. Oh the pain, the lack of ground to fight a war upon, unwanted or wanted depending on the winds. And so I find myself wanting to be symmetrical, even, balanced. 

You see my principles and my practices don't match - what feels good to believe doesn't feel good to act on. What I am isn't what I want to be. My successes hold little value and my failures or worse, perceived, feel bigger than the biggest thing I can imagine because at least that has some outer edge eventually. My sense of being less than enough is limitless and infinite in a monsters under the bed kind of you know it's bullshit but you still play hot lava getting into bed in the dark because who fucking knows whats really under there when the shoving gets pushed, kind of way. It lives in your head.

But, what if, you just might, be wrong and die a horrible death because you didn't do something you could have done...right? So if you don't do it, you're just risking your health and happiness due to laziness. That sort of stress weighs on a soul. 

Rationally I know certain things. But when your feelings contradict those knowings in such a dramatic and deeply felt way, in the same way intuition works (although that does sometime work), how are you to know that it's unreal, that its not a truth coming from beyond the edges? 

Not sure if I should put the tin foil back in my belly button. I don't think it did anything - but nothing happened so maybe it did? This game is too easy. Good night.